A few weeks ago, in absolutely shocking news to nobody, I subscribed to a paid happiness collective.

Which is exactly what it sounds like. A monthly Zoom call where a well-known happiness expert explains the science of happiness to hundreds of people who are all trying very hard to become their best selves before the work week starts again.

And if your immediate reaction is, “Wow, must be nice to have time for that,” don’t worry. I do the testing so you don’t have to.

Because things that sound deeply healing can also become weirdly performative very quickly. This call was no exception.

The setup was simple:

The moderator kept trying to get everyone engaged.

“Drop in the chat where you’re calling in from!”
“Tell us how you found the collective!”

Fine. Sure. Community. Engagement. Human connection. We love that.

But then the speaker started talking about internal versus external validation, and the moderator jumped in with:

“Okay everyone, drop in the chat what you do for internal validation!”

And I had to pause for a second.

Because if it’s internal validation… why are we announcing it to 800 strangers?

A lot of the answers were things like:

All perfectly good things. But also… mostly external.
Not bad. Just external.

These all still rely on and audience - someone reacting, responding, nodding along.
And the tricky thing about external validation is that it works really well, right up until nobody claps.

The whole point of internal validation is that it doesn’t depend on someone else’s mood, attention span, or approval rating that day.

It’s supposed to come from you, in a quiet, stable, “I know why this matters to me even if nobody else cares” kind of way.

I started thinking about how subtle the difference actually is.

One of the answers was “I love talking about my fitness journey”

Externally, that can look like:

…while internally would be actually doing the workout consistently even when nobody sees it.

There’s a difference between:

…and quietly noticing that something genuinely helped you.

That’s the shift.

From expression > to action > to meaning.

While External validation says:
“Please notice this.”

Internal validation says:
“This matters to me whether anyone notices or not.”

One of the many ways I fail at this?

Every single week I become temporarily convinced that whatever happiness or productivity book I’m currently listening to contains the secrets of the universe. Then I spend three straight days explaining it to my husband at inopportune times.

At some point, I have to ask myself:

Have I spent more time talking about this book than actually absorbing it?

Also:

Has Chris already politely indicated that he does not need a twelve-minute summary of Chapter 4 before his coffee?

The answer is often yes.

So this week I’ve been thinking about one simple question:

What’s one thing I could pull inward instead of outward?

Instead of sharing right away, how could I experience it a little more privately before turning it into content, conversation, or proof. (we are all aware of the irony of me putting this into a newsletter, yes?)

And there is always a place for external validation. We’re human - we need connection, encouragement, reinforcement of social structures and bonding over shared interests.

But if it becomes the only way we know we’re doing okay, life starts to feel a little unstable.

Like you’re constantly waiting for someone else to hand you permission to feel proud, fulfilled, happy, interesting, successful, healthy, or enough.

And honestly?

That’s exhausting.

So maybe the goal isn’t to eliminate external validation completely.

Maybe the goal is just to build a life that still feels meaningful on the quiet days too.

No audience required.