Last week, I was at my hairdresser when I overheard one two women chatting - (I always snoop, it’s the best part) and one gave the other a really lovely compliment. Nice, right?
Well, the recipient immediately deflected it.
She laughed, waved it off, and changed the subject so fast you would’ve thought the compliment was a live grenade.
Which made me realize how many times I have done the exact same thing. Compliment me? Not today!
And I don’t think I’m along - a lot of us are terrible at receiving compliments.
Which is odd, because when someone gives you a compliment, they are handing you a tiny gift - something that should not have any strings attached, no expectation, just a small tiny surprise in your day. And yet so many of us are not signing for those packages.
So I started thinking about the very unofficial compliment ladder I invented during the rest of my time at the hair salon - hey, it’s a while in that chair, what can I say.
Here’s how it goes.
Level 1. The Deflection
“Oh this old thing?”
“I barely tried.”
“It was on sale.”
“It’s nothing.”
I’m sorry - someone just tried to lift the mood and overall energy of the conversation and you’re kicking it over the fence? I know nice things may not always be easy to hear, but this may make the complimenter a little hesitant to say something nice to the next person they come across as well. So pay it forward - let’s level up the ladder.
Level 2. The Compliment Ping-Pong
Person 1 - “Wow, I love that dress”
You - “Oh, I like your shoes!”
This seems pretty nice on the surface, right? A little tit-for-tat compliment and return action? Well, as far as I know, there is no ‘Good Place’ style karmic tally for the number of compliments you get versus how many you give. I don’t think that every time you get a compliment, you are carrying a debt you need to repay at the soonest possible moment.
The immediate return compliment can make the whole thing feel a little too transactional. Chances are, you didn’t really have time to create a fully formed return either, so it’s probably a little insincere.
Of course, just in case there is some kind of karmic tally, it’s good to say something nice to the person as well, but you can take your time and weave it more naturally into the rest of the conversation.
Level 3. The Redirect
“Thank you. It has pockets.”
“Thank you. I got it in Montreal.”
“Thank you. My friend picked it out.”
Ok, ok - so yes, you’re changing the topic. However, you did say thank you (and hopefully you meant it?) and you are offering a bit more information about the specific thing they are complimenting, and the energy level of the conversation is staying high. If we are being honest , this is usually the highest level I get to - I haven’t quite cracked level four yet.
Level 4. The Expert Move
“Thank you.”
“Thank you so much for noticing.”
“I’m so glad you like it.”
Full stop.
No explanation. No repayment. No escape hatch.
Just receiving the compliment in the energy it was intended.
Can you imagine! I admire people who can do this - who can fully accept and internalize nice things being said to them.
A small experiment for this week
Next time someone compliments you, try one of these:
Say “thank you” and then pause before adding anything else
Notice your instinct to deflect, and then try to add on instead
Let the moment sit for two seconds longer than usual
Accept the compliment as data instead of debate
Example:
Instead of
“Oh it was nothing”
Try
“Thank you. That means a lot.”
Instead of
“I just got lucky”
Try
“I’m really proud of that actually.”
These small shifts can create a big energy difference.
Because sometimes the most confident move in a conversation isn’t saying something clever - it’s letting something kind land.
